Could it be that in his own, peculiar way he loved me? But there was no relief.
But he has his own account with God, and I have mine. It was not until quite some time had passed that I began to notice the subtle changes in my feelings towards him and in our interactions together.
The slightest comment could make his blood boil and a mistakenly perceived glance could be enough to send him into a fit of rage. No more running away from the mitzvah because I felt it was too hard and simply unreasonable of God to expect it of me.
Slowly, slowly, and after much begrudged perseverance, I began to see that my false smiles and fake interest were not so fake anymore. He still loses his temper sometimes, but now that I am on his side rather than standing against him, I see how much it hurts him when he loses control of himself.
You never call me. The only person I could change was myself. He had always been prone to anger but as I entered adolescence his occasional outbursts became a more frequent and frightening occurrence. I decided that from then on, things would be different.
But there was one mitzvah I could not seem to succeed in: I giggled to myself, as I skipped home from school with the results of my math test.
One day it all came to a head. He was like a volcano, always simmering, just waiting to erupt. I imagined the relief I would feel at finally telling him the truth. And much to my surprise, I actually started to care.
By focusing on his positive aspects, I see a whole new side to him. I worked so hard to free myself from the fierce clutches of hate and anger, and what I got in return was a man who I am truly happy to call my father. I now see that no matter what he has done, it is not up to me to decide whether he is deserving of my love or not.
My father was livid. I continually forced myself to stop focusing on what a terrible father he was and turned the focus on myself and how I could improve our relationship. I had wounded him. He is a kind, thoughtful and deeply caring man. I was helping to clear the dishes away after an uncomfortable Sunday lunch when a plate slipped out of my hands and smashed on the floor.God didn't ask the impossible of me, only the incredibly difficult.
Daddy will be so happy with me! I giggled to myself, as I skipped home from school with the results of my math test. “Daddy! Daddy!” I called out as I burst through the door and proudly thrust the sheet of paper into his hands.Download